Back from the Lakes

Hello everyone!

Me and Julia have returned from the lake district, and a very enjoyable holiday. I'm sure she'll do a big blog with silly things like 'details' and 'photos', so I needn't bother with such trivialities here. Nay, I will write about the important things she misses out - the food.

On the train journey up on the Tuesday, we had lunch at Crewe station, in a break in between changes - bought from an overpriced sandwhich bar, of course. Served by a tattooed northern lady, who did not quite understand that when we asked for our baguettes 'toasted', we in fact meant 'we want it HOT!'. While we could have stated that directly, we'd have probably been arrested for sexual harrasment.

Anyhow. I had a cheddar cheese and bacon baguette, and Julia had a ham and mozzarella (the European version of mine, basically). Both were lovely, though Julia couldn't eat all of hers, so I finished it on the train.

That evening, we ate in a Chinese restaurant in Penrith - Platinum, I believe it was called. They had an all you can eat type offer, but without the buffet.

We ordered prawn toast, seaweed, ham rolls, pork triangles, and spring rolls for starters. Toast, triangles and seaweed were delicious, and the ham rolls (new!, it boasted on the menu) were crispy - Julia didn't like them, but I did. Julia liked the spring rolls, but I was put off by a weird...tentacle thing in mine.

We had sweet and sour pork and beef in green pepper and black bean sauce for a main meal, along with egg fried rice. I liked the pork! This is more significant that it sounds, as I have always hated sweet and sour, but now I like it. This doubles my choice in future chinese restaurants.

For a dessert, I had bannana fritters, covered in syrup and ice cream, and disturbingly phallic. They were heaven deep-fried, as usual, and Julia helped me finish them off. Then we wound down with some chinese tea, and read the tealeaves. Oh, and of course there were prawn crackers.

Our first hotel breakfast there Wednesday morning - we had a pot of tea to wake us up, and Julia had some crazy health fad - 'fruit juice', or something. I had some weetabix mush to warm me up, and then we had cooked breakfast. Bacon, beans, hash browns, sausage, scrambled eggs. Julia was more adventurous than I, having tomatoes and mushrooms as well, but we both steered clear of the black pudding.

For lunch we had afternoon tea in the hotel lounge. I had ham sandwiches, victoria sponge and toasted tea cake, which I managed to polish off even though I was stuffed. Julia had chicken ceaser salad in a wrap. I found the tea up there quite bitter compared to my normal tea.

For dinner, we ate at a little Italian place opposite the hotel - I forget the name. Quite crowded, but very friendly staff. From their accents, I deduced they were Australians who worked in Italy before moving to Cumbria. I had canneloni - very good, if a smaller portion than I'd have liked, and Julia had...chicken penne pasta, I think. Hers was lovely, and she claimed the portion was just right. We also had garlic bread on the side. Being the impetuous devil I am, I also ordered homemade bread with our meal, despite Julia's warnings. After a mild panic at the lack of oil (corrected by our Aus-Ital-British friend), we also ate that as well, so I was vindicated in the end.

For dessert, I had profiteroles - with white chocolate! Those crazy Cumbrians. I prefer it to regular, I think. Julia had lemon sorbet. No tea for us, we waited till we were back in the hotel.

Another breakfast, another weetabix, another sausage etc - though with a boiled egg this time.

We had lunch in Glenridding after the steamer ride, and we ate in Greystones cafe - where we went last year in the lake district with the others! I had a jacket potato with beans and cheese, as all jacket potatoes should be. Julia had a ham and cheese toastie - good, though not as good as mine apparently. We had tea with it, of course. We decided to treat ourselves to some cakes as well - I had lemon drizzle (nicer than it sounds) and Julia had chocolate cake, which is hard to get wrong, really. Oh, and I paid by card!

We had dinner in the hotel restaurant, and it was the best of the holiday. Julia had a vegetable soup for starters (nicer than it looked), and I satisfied myself with some bread. Julia had a venison steak in a fancy sauce, and I had a medium sirloin steak - being the fusspot I am, I asked for the sauce in a seperate container, just in case. It was all amazing though.

For dessert, Julia had profiteroles, and I had apple sponge and custard - very nice, though a little too much sponge and not enough apple. Then we settled down with some tea in the hotel lounge.

Our final hotel breakfast, same as Thursday's, though I was bit messier with my boiled egg. We had lunch in Keswick, in a coffee shop. I had teacakes and a (lovely) bannana milkshake, and Julia had a vegetable soup, on which she scalded her tongue quite badly. I resisted the temptation for an ice cream, and was rewarded by having no money to pay with, resulting in a panicked trip to the cash machine.

Finally, we bought some food at around 7 on the train back home. We snapped up the last sandwich, and I devoured most of it - not very nice, but I was too hungry to care. And with that, a twix and a cherry muffin, the food, and our holiday, was at an end.

Results!

18th August, 2005 - a day that will live in infamy!

All over the UK, hundreds of thousands of students tore open their brown envelopes - some eagerly, some with trepidation, and some just plain drunk - to find out whether their hopes were dashed or their egos inflated.

Eyes were filled with tears, mouths with laughter, streets with the blood of innocents (so I am told).

And during all this medley and mayhem, a young 17 year old by the name of Thomas Bloom, just out of potty training, fumbled with his own brown envelope to receive his results.

Unfortunately, at that moment, a freak gust of wind blew a brick through his school hall's window. Due to a stroke of bad luck, simultaneously, a seagull high on sardines and crack was flying towards the window. It snatched the envelope out of Thomas's hands and flew back towards its flock, croaking triumphantly.

Not one to be beaten by a feathered felon, Tom put on his propellor beanie hat and fired it up, rocketing up after the bird.

The bird panicked at this unexpected pursuit, and called for its flock to come and aid it in this life or death struggle. Hundreds of druggy seagulls divebomped towards the happless sixth former.

Bringing out his handy sardine with his customary flourish, Tom threw to his right, and laughed evilly as the seagulls dashed towards it, leaving the way between him and his enemy clear.

His battlecry still ringing through the clear summer sky, Tom grabbed the bird, and after a firm beak twist, released it and opened his results:

(The total of my ASs):

Religious Studies: 283/300 (A)
Mathematics: 300/300 (A)
Further Mathematics: 295/300 (A)
Economics: 275/300 (A)
History: 283/300 (A)
General Studies: 283/300 (A)

Hmm...awful lot of 283s now I look at it. Coincidence? I think not...

Under extreme duress

I kid you not.

Earlier this evening, I was having an MSN conversation with Julia, and she was nagging me to blog - naturally I biggled her off with my usual daring excuse skills:

Come away with me says:
Why don't you
Come away with me says:
?
Joth says:
I would, but...
Joth says:
I HAVE NO HANDS
Come away with me says:
Oh...OK...

And so this conversation passed into the distant memories of five minutes earlier. However, I then heard a knock on the door. Rising from my throne of skulls, wading through my ocean of blood, I opened the door. Behind it was...nothing. I closed the door, waded back, clambered back up the bones of the ancients, only to find a black cat sitting on my throne.

Angered by this intrusion into my inner sanctum, I rose to my full height, towering a full two feet over the sitting cat. Glaring down with my baleful eyes, I demanded a full explanation and apology for this trespass.

The cat licked itself, and waved its tail laconically.

Well, by now, my face was pretty crimson, I can tell you. I was just about to unleash an eternity of pain and torment, when I noticed the cat was now sitting upon my horned helmet.

To be precise, it had attached a furry ball to one of the horns, and was now batting it around with its paw.

Marvelling at this feline felon's stealth, the horrific truth dawned on me, like a horrific dawn:

IT WAS A NINJA CAT!!!!!

That's right - one of the infamous Ninja Cats of the Mm'baatou Mountains, trained under the Great Sensei Sweep, and who probably studied under the Deathmaster Zapp!

I quickly ran through a mental checklist of my enemies powerful enough to have one such of these as a servant. Buddha...not his style...Bono...wouldn't have chosen a -black- cat...that guy at Waterstones...no, killed him last week...Julia! Of course!

Evidently she had been greatly incensed, and had sent after me one of her prized henchpets to make sure I did my blogging.

So here I sit, hunched over the keyboard, lightly dusted in cat hair, while that dealer in death, that purveyor of pain, that seller of stealth, that tradesman in terror, that sh- OW!

OK, enough metaphors.

While that cat sits on my lap, purring softly.

I'm just thankful that my allergies haven't....ACHOO!